This is not my usual kind of post.
It’s rooted in a more personal journey I’ve been on, and not strictly about revenue growth or even business.
That said, I think to find success in those areas, particularly as a leader with lots of responsibility, it’s incredibly important to ensure you’re looking after yourself first.
So let me start with this question: Do you ever feel a bit out of control?
Not in the ‘wild’ sense of getting drunk and out of hand…but the feeling that life is happening to you, and you’re subject to its whims.
Each day you’re unsure how it’ll turn out, because it really depends on what happens…which lets face it, is mostly out of your control.
Your flight gets cancelled or the train is delayed, your boss gives you a hard time because they’re in a bad mood, a deal goes south because an unexpected budget cut was announced, your kid gets sick and disrupts your social plans…life throws curve balls at you all the time.
Well last year I was feeling this. Like I was being buffeted by these external forces, and I hated it. It was getting me down.
So I set about reading and listening to podcasts on how to change the narrative, and get back to feeling in control.
I’ll recommend and link to the sources I can remember at the end.
Here’s a summary of what I took from the research I did, which I’ve put into practice, and it’s made a HUGE difference.
Obviously, nothing is perfect, but generally speaking I start and finish each day feeling satisfied that I’ve been in the divers seat.
So, let’s dive in.
Thoughts
The first place to start is very much inwardly. It’s so important to acknowledge that nobody can control your thoughts and reactions…unless you let them.
Had shitty feedback from a key client? Sarcastic co-worker? A team member has called in sick at a pivotal time?
Every single day there are dozens of moments that could easily throw you into a downward spiral.
If you’re buffeted by these external forces, then your mood – and life – will feel erratic and out of control, because quite simply you don’t know what’s coming next.
The good news is, by taking radical responsibility, you can control your emotions and your reaction to adverse events (and even positive ones, so you don’t have the rollercoaster of peaks and troughs).
I first came across the concept in the wonderful book ‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ which emphasises the importance of taking responsibility for your own future, and your reaction to events.
What is radical responsibility exactly?
“Radical Responsibility means radically embracing 100% responsibility and ownership of each and every circumstance you face, day in and day out in your life. This completely goes beyond blame. Radical Responsibility is a trans-blame model, it is stepping out of the blame and shame paradigm altogether.
If you look at the circumstances you face in your life you can often see that you did have some role in creating, allowing, or setting yourself up for these circumstances in one way or another. With that insight and information, you can then make different choices that are going to lead to different results.
By understanding your part in creating a given situation, you can begin to choose how to create your future, and fully take ownership of that.” – Fleet Maull, author of Radical Responsibility
One other lightbulb moment I had in wrestling with my own internal psychology came from Professor Steve Peters, author of the Chimp Paradox (and now A Path Through the Jungle), where he was on the Diary of a CEO podcast.
And in this snippet he talks about how our ‘chimp brain’ is obsessed with the concept of fairness. If it feels wronged, or that something should have gone right which didn’t, then it essentially goes crazy because of how unfair that is.
Whereas the human brain can – and should – simply accept as fact the situation, and then figure out the best way to course correct to a better outcome.
I’ve found that by separating the emotional ‘chimp’ response from the more logical ‘human’ one, it’s been incredibly effective at supporting radical responsibility and staying in control.
Once you feel more in control of your own internal monologue, many other things will start to fall into place too. This is the foundation.
Effort
Next up, you have absolute control over how you show up at work, in relationships, hobbies and any other situations. And by that, I mean the activity and effort that you decide to exert each day. These are the inputs that generate outcomes.
The question is, do they match with one another?
Let’s take a typical sales example.
If you’re trying to hit quota, but don’t have enough pipeline, are you going above and beyond to spend time prospecting, or complaining that the SDRs/marketing team aren’t doing their jobs?
If you don’t have the right people, are you bemoaning the situation to your peers or actively coaching them, building a pipeline of talent and setting (then enforcing) very clear expectations of performance and accountability?
If your relationship is rocky, are you really giving it the time and attention it needs? If you haven’t improved at your chosen hobby, the same question applies.
If you don’t achieve the results you want, but you can with absolute honesty say to yourself that you did everything in your power to achieve them, I find you can sleep soundly at night. If you wish you’d have just done this or that…or stew over the external factors that acted against you, this is when you lay awake at night.
Let’s shift a little from near-term control to thinking towards the future and your future state, which is often dictated by what you do today.
Learning
How often have you been in situations and thought ‘Damn, I wish I knew that’ or ‘If only I’d learned that skill when I had the chance!’?
The knowledge and skills you have are also under your control.
Many people slate their companies for not providing training and development, but when asked what they’re doing to learn, they look blank, as though it’s obviously not their responsibility.
Outsourcing your own knowledge and skills to be somebody else’s problem is a sure-fire way to stagnate and get frustrated at your progress.
Whilst the payoff to these investments in your own knowledge and skill tends to be longer-term than the sheer elbow grease of activity, the leverage you achieve from them is huge. This is the ‘work smarter, not harder’ mantra…and when combined, then 2+2 = way more than 4.
This is an appropriate place to share one my favourite quotes – a Chinese proverb – which is:
“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.”
What else can you control to improve your chances of finding the success you aspire to?
People
One hugely undervalued area is your network and friendship groups.
Motivational speaker Jim Rohn famously said that we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.
What does this look like for you? Are they negative or positive? Do they support you or bring you down? Do they absorb or generate energy?
The choice of who you hang out with can have major impacts on your own success, and it’s something else that you can control.
So is the will to develop and maintain a strong professional network. Are you joining communities and events where your peers – and those you aspire to be like – gather? Are you trying hard to be the least smart person in a room, so you can learn from everyone else?
These are all subtle, impactful choices that will give you positive momentum.
Diet
Straying further from the professional arena, consider the impact of your diet on your productivity and mental health. If you’re feeling lethargic, struggling to sleep or concentrate, and maybe even unconfident due to your appearance then consider what you’re putting in your body.
There is way too much dietary advice out there, but we all intuitively know what a reasonable diet looks like – less alcohol, refined sugars and empty carbs, more water, salad and vegetables – but it’s your choice whether to follow this.
And yes, you might think…but I don’t have the time to cook fresh food! That’s why I get the microwave meal or takeaway, because I’m spending so much time working.
But with a lens of radical responsibility, you can acknowledge the agency you have in this. If you really want to increase your energy levels and improve your diet, consider removing temptations from your cupboards, setting a reminder to drink water regularly, cooking in bulk or planning meals in advance…all these little changes can help you take back control.
Time
Your time is the sixth, and arguably most important area, where we simply outsource control to external influences.
How often do you wind up at an event, or doing something, where you think ‘why am I doing this’?! I wish I could have said no.
When it comes to allocating our time, all too often the squeaky wheel gets the grease, even if it’s not in our own best interests to spend our time in that way.
To help you with this area of control, it’s important to be very deliberate with your decision criteria for saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to things, and that means having a hierarchy of importance/prioritisation system. This involves hard choices and trade offs, which most people don’t enjoy and actively avoid making.
But that’s why so many people outsource control, because the idea of taking ownership over these tough choices seems like an even worse alternative…until over time you realise that your life isn’t taking the direction you’d hoped.
Ask yourself at the end of each week…how many things do you do that weren’t necessarily in your interest or hierarchy of priorities? Will you do anything differently next time?
Wrapping up
I’m still on the journey to applying these concepts to my life, and frequently don’t manage to follow the lessons I’ve shared above…but even their imperfect application to my days has completely transformed my sense of control. And with it so many other positives emerge – optimism, satisfaction, happiness and calm.
I hope some of the ideas resonate and help you too.
Resources
Books:
Podcasts: